Parenting Teens - Living with the Young Philosopher

The traits we have just described are not confined to adolescence. Adults sometimes play to an imaginary audience, behave as if they were invulnerable, violate their own principles, and make intellectual mountains out of molehills. The difference is that in early adolescence these logical lapses are more common. As a result, your once delightful child may seem unbearably egocen­tric. What is a parent to do?

First, try not to get angry. Occasional or even frequent ego-centricity is not a sign of character flaws. Learning to apply ideals and complex reasoning to everyday life takes time. Second, be patient. These are phases; the adolescent will outgrow them.

More specifically: In most cases, overthinking is harmless. If you feel your adolescent's complicated efforts to solve a simple problem (what to do about a friend who was mean, how to arrange a room for a party) are leading toward frustration and failure, you may want to suggest an easier approach ('You could ask Courtney if anything is the matter"; "Why not start with a list of party activities?"). But proceed gently. You do not want the teenager to feel you think she is stupid. And you don't want to dis­courage her from recognizing and tackling complexities in the future.

Although extremely irritating, hypocrisy is also relatively harmless. Trying to reason with a hopelessly idealistic and thor­oughly impractical adolescent is banging your head against the wall. The adolescent simply isn't ready intellectually to connect theory with practice. For now, he may label your practical cau­tions "cynical" or "cowardly." As he gains more experience with real world attempts to achieve concrete goals, he will discover the value of compromise for himself.

The imaginary audience is somewhat harder to deal with, if only because it causes so much unhappiness. Here, too, reason­ing is likely to fail. If you try to convince your daughter that no one will notice the run in her stocking, you will just convince her that "you don't understand." The best approach is to be sympa­thetic and offer concrete suggestions, without reinforcing her narcissism. Fix the stocking or lend her a pair of yours, but don't make a fuss. If your daughter complains that she is fat, and you disagree, say so. She may be fishing for a compliment and wel­come your reassurance. If she persists, acknowledge her feelings, without agreeing with her delusion. "If you think you need to lose weight, why not begin an exercise program?"

Ultimately, the best cure for the teenage center-stage syn­drome is developing close friendships, sharing intimate thoughts, and discovering that other people can be as self-conscious, inse­cure, and lonely as they are.

A note of caution: Parents should not correct or make fun of a sensitive adolescent in front of other people. Wait until you can speak to him or her alone. Public criticism or mockery is painful for anyone, and devastating for a young adolescent.

How you should respond to your teenager's personal fable depends on the nature of the fable. Often, all you need to do is encourage him to test his fantasies against reality. Your son claims that he can pass a history test without studying. Instead of telling him flatly that he's making a big mistake, ask him whether he has done this in the past or what his classmates are doing. He may insist on his fable. . . and flunk the test. But he is more likely to study the next time if he discovers this for himself than if you force him to obey you.

In some cases, though, personal fables are dangerous and self-destructive, and a mistake can cause irreparable tragedy. Suppose you discover that your adolescent daughter is sexually active and believes that pregnancy is something that only hap­pens to other people. She may think that she can only get preg­nant while she is having her period, or imagine that middle-class girls never get in trouble. Your son may be equally ignorant. Now is the time for a serious discussion of pregnancy, contraception, and sexual responsibility, and perhaps a visit to a doctor. Delusions of invulnerability about drinking and dri­ving, smoking, or drugs demand the same forceful approach.

The key point is that you need to be aware of the young ado­lescent's predisposition to personal fables and to know what your adolescent believes. Do not construct a personal fable of your own that holds "My son or daughter is smarter than that." If you can discuss controversial issues with your teenager without becoming judgmental or confrontational, you will be in a much better position to know when action is necessary.