Temper Tantrums - Don't Let Your Child Call the Shots

A little tyke who had a tantrum at the mall, on the floor, in front of God and 1,500 strangers. The mother was mortified, embarrassed, ashamed. She was being gawked at, and she could swear that her child knew exactly what he was doing.

What should you do in that situation? Step over the child (not on the child—resist that temptation!) and walk away.

Oh, this is great, I can imagine some of you thinking. What are you going to do with the dozens of people who are watching?

That's easy. Just shake your head and say out loud, "Some people's children . . ."

That tyke will get up, flailing his arms all the way, and run after you. You won't lose him.

You must understand the psychology behind this situa­tion. What your child is essentially saying is this: Listen, Mom, you're going to do what I want you to do. I'm aware that people are watching, so I'm going to use them as a power base to make sure you succumb to my demands for sugar. I want sugar. You give me ice cream, or you give me a sucker, or you give me a cookie because if I don't get sugar right now, I'm going to embarrass you in front of all these people. I don't care if you've got a healthy lunch planned at home that we'll be eating in thirty minutes. I want sugar, and I want it now.

Believe it or not, when your child acts this way, he has just given you a great gift. He is giving you the opportunity to show him that when you say no, you mean no. If he wants to make a fool of himself in front of strangers, he can go right ahead. He can claim to be in charge, or at least play to gain the upper hand, but if you remain firm, calm, and collected, he's toast. Your gift to him is to say and show him, "As the parent, I'm in authority over you. I understand that you want sugar, but I know what's best for you. We're going to eat a healthy lunch at home."

I don't want to scare you, but just about every parent has been in at least one extremely embarrassing public episode with their child. I can't promise that some bystanders won't judge you or look down at you (just wait till they have their own children, and then they'll know!). But if you handle yourself with a calm, firm, and authoritative manner, the wise shoppers will respect you and even be rooting for you. If you truly want to make yourself look pathetic, just give in - then everybody will see firsthand how weak you are and really will, with some justification, judge you.

This is more than just my opinion. No less an authority than the apostle Paul himself said, "Children, obey your parents." When your child is between the ages of two and three, you're going to face at least a couple of these battles. Your child will try to test your authority. You mustn't allow a child to call the shots in your household. Once you give a firstborn the reins, she will never let go. She'll drive you for the rest of your life.

Not long ago I was traveling through the Dallas-Fort Worth airport, sitting at a food court, when a three-year-old girl let everybody within a two-block radius know that she wanted a Happy Meal. Mom said no, and the daughter brazenly slapped her mother in the face.

Grandma, who was seated with the mother and her daughter, looked on in horror. She was clearly mortified by her granddaughter's behavior, but seemingly more so with the mom's actions! You could see the words she so wanted to say: "Are you going to take that?" Not only did the mom take it, to make things worse, she actually got up and bought her daughter a Happy Meal! I had to fight every impulse within me to get up and explain to this weak-willed parent what she was getting herself into.

Part of me will never understand how we adults can let a little person shorter than a yardstick call the shots. Kids catch on pretty quickly. They feel the power in public places, knowing they have an audience, sensing their parent's fear, intuitively picking up that this is where their parents are most vulnerable. Even a three-year-old knows when she has Mom around her little finger.

If your kid is going through this stage, be ready at any time to simply walk out of the store. Yeah, you may have a cart full of groceries. But so what? Simply tell the manager, "Sorry, but I've got to deal with a discipline problem here." He'll understand. You may not have finished shopping for the clothes you needed to buy or the gift you needed to pick out, but the stakes of the current situation are so high that anything else can wait.

Don't give in. Once you yield power to your child in this manner, you're going to have a real battle on your hands. The sooner you make your child understand that you will never lay down your authority to a kid who still messes in his pants, the better!

If you've left the store and your kid is still kicking and screaming, find some nice soft music on the stereo, turn the speakers forward, crank up the volume, and tune your child out. It's best to say nothing until the child has quieted down. For starters, you're probably embarrassed, angry, and tired yourself, and that's not the best state of mind to be in when you're administering discipline. And second, your child isn't hearing what you have to say anyway. She's still fighting, and you must teach her that you won't debate, you won't shout over her shouts, and that this behavior will never get her the attention or power that she craves.

If your little girl goes to sleep before you get home, thank God for small favors and put her down for a nap. Don't worry about changing her diaper, feeding her, or anything like that. Don't revive her; just let her sleep. Your primary act of discipline has already been done—your child threw a tantrum, and what did she get out of it? Nothing.

If she does wake up, or if she finally quiets down, say with a tone of authority, "Honey, what went on at Kmart isn't okay. Mommy doesn't like that; you have to do what I say without complaining." As you speak these words, give her "the look" of disapproval. Your child needs to see you being firm. "When Mommy says no, Mommy means no. That type of behavior will never get me to change my mind."

This is not the time to go into a huge conversation about how God doesn't want her to act that way, or how Jesus is watching her, or anything like that. In the aftermath, keep it bare bones simple: That kind of behavior is never going to get the result you want. Ever.

When you refuse to give in, when you resist all attempts at negotiating or debating, your child realizes a couple of very healthy things. First, she realizes that Mom has a mind and a will of her own; she can't be manipulated or controlled. Second, she learns that no one member of the family is more important than any other member of the family. Firstborns in particular seem to have the hardest time learning this last lesson, but it's a vital one.