Tips for Parenting Toddler – Beware Changing Rituals or Routines

When kids live in chaos—wondering when dinner is going to be served, taking naps at a different time every day, not understanding how nighttime bed is different from a daytime nap because no ritual has been established—they grow frus­trated and angry because everything always seems new and confusing. Rituals and discipline provide security, understanding, and ultimately, happier kids. This will set a pattern for the rest of your child's life—and even carry on, incredibly, to the next generation.

Does this really work? The Leman household is living proof. No, we're not perfect, but we have done many things right with our five kids. For instance, the Lemans have never had arguments about whether our children could be involved in different activities five nights a week because our children learned early on that dinnertime is family time. We don't make exceptions lightly. We will allow visitors to come to our dinner table, but we won't glibly allow our kids to become visitors at other tables if we feel the family has been getting too little attention.

Such routines and rituals provide security and a sense of belonging. Kids thrive in such an environment. You'll be amazed at how quickly they catch on to various routines, and how important those routines are even when they don't under­stand them. When Mom rocks baby in a special chair, reads him a story, and then says a prayer, he knows that he is going to be in bed all night; this isn't just a nap. And his body clock has learned to adjust, expecting breakfast, lunch, and dinner at a particular time. If these times are respected, baby won't complain, because that's how things are supposed to be.

If you don't believe me, try this experiment: Establish a routine with your child for at least fourteen days, and then try to break it. You'll see soon enough how important these routines are to most children—of any age!

My wife and I learned this lesson the hard way. Just before the first printing of Making Children Mind without Losing Yours, I got a phone call from my publisher, telling me they needed a picture of our family—tomorrow. It was Sunday afternoon and the only place still open was Sears. My daughter was taking a nap, so we did what I've already told you not to do: We broke her routine and woke her up.

Mind you, we did this with fear and trepidation. The worst job in the world, below cleaning out outhouses and tarring a Texas roof in August, had to be waking up my daughter from a nap. From the time she was a baby, my wife and I had many an argument about whose turn it was to tap the tiny tyrant on the shoulder and get her out of bed.

Waking up a child prematurely reminds me of passing those warning signs posted along the Niagara River, near to where I spend the summers. If you wade out past these warning signs, you're liable to get sucked into the current and pulled down the falls, suddenly unable to stop or turn around. It's the dreaded "point of no return."

This "point of no return" is a good lesson for young parents to learn, because sometimes you see the same thing with kids: You recognize that you've crossed the point where they're coming undone, and things will only get worse unless you just walk away. Once kids tumble down this slip­pery slope, there's no climbing back up.

But due to my obligations to my publisher, we couldn't just walk away. That Sunday afternoon we had to have a family picture taken.

We finally got my daughter up, but it was nearly impossible to get her dressed. Nothing fit right.

"This label itches. . . . The sleeves are too tight. . . . This dress is too long. . . . This dress is too short. . . . These socks feel funny. . . . These shoes feel like they're going to fall off."

I had had enough, made her stay in what she was already wearing, and took her, literally screaming and kicking, out of her room.

Then we made mistake number two. Because my daughter had fallen asleep, she hadn't eaten lunch. Due to the fact that it had taken so long to get My daughter dressed, we were in near panic mode and didn't want to pause to get her something to eat. We were running seriously late, after all, and you could feel the pressure rising. Don't for a second think your kids don't notice when you're uptight. They live for moments such as these: Oh, Mommy and Daddy are trying to give me the rush job, are they? Well, I'll show them. I'm feeling a little bit slow today.

We handed My daughter a banana, which she promptly proceeded to smash into My wife's face. Attila the Hun meets Judge Judy—that was our firstborn!

My wife went to repair her makeup while 1 took our scream­ing firstborn to the car, all so that we could have a nice family portrait for my latest childrearing book. I fastened my daughter in her car seat, wondering what the publishers would say when one of the people in the photo had red puffy eyes and the mom had banana smeared all over her face.

Once we got to Sears, we tried to splash water on my daughter's face to take care of the red puffy eyes, but this just irritated her more. It took longer than you could believe for the photographer to get even one remotely acceptable picture. It wasn't a prize-winning photograph by any means, but it was better than anything else we could have gotten that day.

I know better now. If a publisher were to call me with a similar request today, I'd be far more forceful: "I can't do it. We'll get it taken tomorrow and overnight it so that you'll have it by Tuesday, but I'm not going to get it done today."